In the Meadow
by WilyArmadilla
Summary: Bella and Edward's first trip to the meadow. How it was from Edward's POV
1. Chapter 1

I stood at the edge of the forest watching as Bella walked into the meadow. Could I do this? Could I really step out into the sunshine and  
let her see ME, my human guise stripped away, my true nature displayed? Would she be horrified, as any normal human would be when confronted by a monster? Or would she surprise me once again? I hesitated in the shadows.

She looked around, noticing that I was no longer beside her. When she saw me waiting there, her eyes filled with curiosity. She took a  
step toward me, reached out, inviting me to join her in the sunshine. For a moment I was frozen, afraid to take that step, afraid to see the horror, the fear, in her eyes. But I had promised. And so I steeled myself, took a deep breath and then one long stride into the golden light.

Her eyes widened when she saw me in the sunshine, my cold white skin glittering, shooting rainbows back at the sun like a prism. Saw with her own eyes the indisputable proof that I was not human. I watched her carefully, gauging her reaction. Yes, there was shock. Only for a moment, but in that one moment, my world shuddered. Her gasp, the staccato pounding of her heart as she absorbed the sight of my _otherness,_ pierced me with sudden pain. The stunned disbelief in her eyes held me motionless and I _knew_ that in the  
next moment disbelief would turn to fear and she would turn, turn and run away screaming in terror. And I knew I would not stop her. I wanted her to be safe and she could not be safe here with me. Even now my disgraceful hunger filled my mouth with a flood of venom. Never, since Carlisle had changed me, had I felt such pain, such overwhelming fear.

But then…her eyes warmed with fascination. How this could be? How could she NOT be horrified? I dared to hope that she would confound my expectations yet again. And that hope was as painful as the fear. I should not have been surprised, though I was. I was  
stunned, in fact. She did not run. She did not even back away. She only stared, her eyes wide.

Without a word, I stepped closer and sank down onto the grass, never taking my eyes from her. I waited, listening to her heartbeat return to a more steady rhythm. Slowly she lowered herself onto the ground beside me, curled her arms around her bent knees and simply looked at me. I watched her, wondering yet again what thoughts were running through her silent mind. Her gaze shifted away and came back to me, again and again. I could no longer bear to watch. I closed my eyes and lay back in the grass of the meadow, feeling the sun warm on my face. I listened to her steady breath and finally decided that the running and screaming were not going to happen. She had seen me and was not repulsed. A wonder I was still processing.

I could feel her watching me. That gentle regard reminded me of a trite little love song I had heard years ago. I thought it foolish then, but now I found myself quietly singing the lyrics, surprised at how appropriate they were, how well they described my feelings at this moment. Finally I heard her move, her clothing rustling softly. And then her finger, warm and soft, tentatively stroked down the back of  
my hand. I had never felt anything to compare with that single, trembling touch. It was sheer pleasure. I opened my eyes, needing to see her face, to read her expression, perhaps decipher what she was thinking now. She glanced up, no sign of fear in her face. I felt my lips curve into a smile as I read the fascination in her eyes. Ah, the joy! The relief, the elation! She still wanted to be here with me in the sunshine.

"You aren't afraid of me?" I asked, teasing her because I knew she'd deny it, but curious nonetheless.

"No more than usual." She replied. So she was afraid, but not enough that she would leave me. Good. My smile widened. That was very good. She slid closer, her eyes down, so she could more easily touch me. Her fingers trembled as they traced the lines of my forearm. I closed my eyes, savoring that gentle touch.

"Do you mind?" she asked, softly, hesitantly.

Did I mind?! Did I mind that she wanted to touch me, as I wanted to touch her? Did I mind that she willingly stroked my hard, cold skin? Did I mind?! I could barely control my voice as I replied.

"No. You can't imagine how that feels." I sighed, intoxicated by her touch. She slowly moved her hand down my arm, tracing the veins, caressing the muscle. No one had ever touched me this way, not even when I had been human. As she stroked inside the curve of my elbow, I felt her other hand slide beneath mine to lift if from the ground. As quick as thought, I flipped it up into her cradling palm. Too fast. I felt her freeze as her heart suddenly lurched, startled. My eyes snapped open. Had I scared her? I was so intent on the tumult of  
these new, confusing emotions that I had forgotten myself. Forgotten how delicate she was. How very careful I had to be with her. She was so breakable. Her face was startled, but I still saw no fear in her eyes. I could not bring myself to regret that it was so.

"Sorry," I murmured, closing my eyes once again. "It's too easy to be myself with you." I listened as her heart slowed and her breathing steadied. She lifted my hand, and I felt the caress of her breath as she brought it close to her face. I opened my eyes again and watched as she examined the palm of my hand, turning it this way and that, rainbows dancing in her eyes as the sunshine refracted off my skin.  
What was she thinking now? I had to know.

"Tell me what you're thinking" I whispered. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."

"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."

Yes, humans felt that way all the time. And I was not human. I would be human for Bella, if I could. I would suffer myself to be nothing more than ordinary if that meant I could spend the rest of my life beside her. For a moment, I was filled with regret.

"It's a hard life, but you didn't tell me." I sighed.

"I was thinking that I wishing I could know what you were thinking…." she hesitated.

"And?"

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

No she shouldn't be afraid. I would not let her be afraid. Whatever Alice saw in her lying visions, I would not…I could not, cause her harm. Not now. Not when she was the very center of my universe. I wanted to believe that. I desperately wanted it to be true. I would MAKE it true.

"I don't want you to be afraid" I said softly.

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about." She replied.

What did she mean by that?! She knew I was a monster but she wasn't afraid of me. What other danger was there? What could she possibly be afraid of, if she wasn't afraid of me? I could not understand what she meant. Once again she had confounded me with the odd workings of her mind.

I had to know. I sat up, too quickly again, but unable to stop myself. I had to see her eyes. To discern her thoughts. Our faces were only inches apart. My throat ripped to flames. I ignored the pain as I stared into her warm, chocolate eyes. I could not look away.

"What are you afraid of, then?" I whispered. I was completely unprepared when she gasped and leaned toward me, her soft lips slightly parted, warm blood pounding in her veins, coloring her cheeks…

I felt the monster roar awake, bursting through whatever wall that had blocked him away since that night when Bella whispered my name and changed me forever. Venom flooded my mouth and thirst twisted my vitals as the scent of her hot, sweet blood threatened to overwhelm me. In a fraction of a second, all my resolve, all my pretense of civilization, vanished under the truth of what I was – vampire. I could take her here, now, without endangering anyone. Coherent thought vanished. Everything vanished except the overwhelming need to feel the soft skin of her throat part beneath my teeth. To feel her blood, hot and wet, pulsing into my mouth. NO! I wrenched myself back, leaping up and away faster than thought. I flitted to the edge of the forest, breathing hard and fighting desperately not to return and feed the monster. Not her. Not _this _girl. Not BELLA! NO. No, no, no… I would not do this!

I trembled, battling to control my thirst, my instinct, my deplorable need to tear through her delicate skin, to taste her, to quench the  
burning in my throat. Distance helped. The cool breeze blowing from the forest helped more. I took a deep breath, tasting only the woods behind me. Moss, damp earth, trees and moldering wood. Another breath. And another. Control came slowly, but it came. Only a second, perhaps two had passed since I had looked into her eyes.

Surely she was filled with horror. Finally she would understand why she should not have come here with me. Now she _would _run away, never looking back. I couldn't blame her. She _should_ run. I was evil. Dead and soul-less. She deserved much more than a monster. I did not want to look, to see her face filled with that knowledge. But if this was the last time I would see that face – and how could it not be the last – if this was the last time, I had to look. To gaze one final time at the only girl I would ever love. Despairing,I turned and lifted my eyes.

Shock was there. That was expected. But where was the fear? Had she not seen? Had she not _understood_ how very close I had been to….I could not finish the thought. I was staggered. I waited, watching her, dreading that moment when would the shock to fade into something else. Fear. Horror. Perhaps even revulsion. But I never expected to see…pain?! And something that looked like - but could not possibly be - hurt. How could I have hurt her feelings? Could she be unaware of how near I had been to killing her? Did she think I had fled because I didn't want to be near her? How could she not understand? How could she not realize…?!

"I'm…sorry…Edward." She whispered. SHE was sorry? I was confused. Why was _she _sorry? I was the sorriest of creatures, deplorable and contemptable. She was the very epitome of goodness, of kindness. She had nothing, nothing at all, to be sorry for. So what was she _thinking_?

"Give me a moment." I called. I definitely needed that moment. I needed that moment desperately to be sure that I was once again in control of myself. Another to consider the mysterious workings of her mind – she thought that she had offended me?! – and yet another moment to consider what to do now. I could not leave her here. She would never find her way back to her truck if I left her. So I had to  
stay. It was incredible the relief that I felt once that decision was made. As deplorable, as shameful, as my actions had been, it was right that I try to make amends.

I took the first tentative steps back in her direction, watching her carefully, ready to stop moving at the first sign of concern. She held my eyes, as I stopped several feet away. I was too excited, my body too tense, too ready, for me to approach too closely. Slowly I sank to the ground, still transfixed by her eyes. I took a deep breath, and then another. The breeze blew her scent away from me, making it much easier to maintain control.

I smiled apologetically. "I'm so very sorry." I began. "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?" Human enough to let emotion cloud my judgment. Human enough, thoughtless enough, to risk her safety for my own selfish ends. Human enough to hope beyond hope that she would see my remorse, that she could forgive me and stay. She didn't answer, only nodded a little. The breeze shifted.

Suddenly I was smelling her again. The sweet fragrance of her blood was soured by the scent of fear and adrenaline. My stomach twisted. I must have read her eyes wrong. She was afraid, very afraid. Abruptly I was angry. I had warned her time and again, but she wouldn't believe me. I had begged her to give me a reason to return her to Charlie and she dismissed that concern with a smile. And now she sat here, after watching me wrestle my demon into submission, she sat here afraid of me?! HA! I felt my lips turn up in a mocking grin.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I?" I purred. "Everything about me invites you in – my voice, my face, even my _smell. _As if I need any of that!" I was shouting now. I leapt up, determined that if she was going to be afraid, I would show her _why _she was afraid. Why she should have been afraid all along instead of tempting me, intriguing me, coaxing me into loving her.

I darted around the meadow too quickly for her human eyes to follow, until I stood once again in the shadows of the forest.

"As if you could outrun me." As if anyone could outrun me, let alone Bella who was as apt to fall down as not. I laughed bitterly. I reached up and ripped a thick branch off of the tree beside me and threw it like a lance across the meadow where it shattered against another towering spruce. I trembled, knowing that the monster was poised, eager, waiting for my will to falter and free him.

I flitted back and stood before the girl. "As if you could fight me off." I said softly, gently. I smelled her fear. I watched her shuddering with the force of it. And the monster liked it, was excited by it. Suddenly my mind filled with the vision of another monster, hard-fisted and cruel, watching her shake with fear, reveling in her terror. And Bella, brave as a lion, determined to fight back, to not give in to that fear.

As quickly as it had come, the anger drained away. Shame filled me and I cringed at what I had done. Try as I might, I could not escape the fact that I was no better than that other monster. For almost a century I had abstained, trying to convince myself that my will was stronger than my nature. But I had been lying to myself, I saw that now. I was overwhelmed with sorrow, seeing myself as she must see me. When I had taken her away from that creature in Port Angeles, she had looked at me so very trustfully. She would never be able to see me that way again. Had I able, my eyes would have filled with tears.

"Don't be afraid." I begged softly. "I promise…I _swear _not to hurt you." I was determined that this be true. I may well have frightened her beyond reason, but I would NOT allow myself to harm her. I swore this to myself.

"Don't be afraid," I murmured again, taking one slow step toward her. She couldn't help but be afraid with me towering over her like this, I thought. So I carefully lowered myself once more to the ground in front of her.

"Please forgive me," I said solemnly. She deserved much more than a formal apology for my shameful lapse but it was all I had to give her. "I can control myself," evidence to the contrary notwithstanding, "You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now." I explained painfully.

I waited for her to say something, anything. But she just looked at me, her eyes bewildered. I couldn't blame her. One minute she was holding my hand in the sunshine, the next she was face-to-face with a nightmare. I was filled with shame. How could I convince her that she was safe now, that she need not be afraid? My words did not seem to be enough to reassure her. Perhaps if I could lighten the  
mood…

"I'm not thirsty, today, honestly." It was difficult to make a joke, to wink at her and pretend that I was not a beast. But it was all I could think of to try. I was beyond relief when the weak jest brought a breathless laugh. She was incredible. And I was overwhelmingly grateful.

"Are you alright?" I asked gently, carefully laying my hand back into hers. She looked down consideringly before glancing back to my eyes. Hers were soft, gentle. Shame again. I had behaved deplorably and here she sat, still able to touch me without cringing. She was far too good for me. But I already knew that. She dropped her gaze and resumed slowly tracing the lines of my hand. Her eyes flashed up, checking my expression and smiled tentatively at whatever she saw there. I beamed back at her, gratified that she did not hate me, that she had not fled, screaming into the forest. Did I dare hope that she would forgive the unforgivable? I did dare.

"So, where were we before I behaved so rudely?" I asked quietly.

"I honestly can't remember." She answered. Filled with remorse, I tried to smile, to show her how very sorry I was.

"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reasons." I prompted. I wanted to hear her voice. I could not  
hear her thoughts, but maybe I could read her feelings in the sound of her voice.

"Oh, right."

"Well?"

She looked down, her cheeks slowly coloring. I waited, the seconds ticking by. Whatever was she thinking? Was she trying to find a way to let me down gently? To tell me that it would never work between us? As if I didn't already know that, too. As if I hadn't been warning her all along...

I struggled to contain unfamiliar emotions. Anxiety, certainly. Curiosity, as usual. And love, desire, shame, expectation, fear…I  
was vexed. Why couldn't I hear what she struggled to say?! It was maddening.

"How easily frustrated I am," I finally sighed. She looked up. I watched as sudden empathy flooded her eyes. She seemed to understand, all unexpectedly, that for all my decades of immortality this was as new to me as it was for her. Somehow she was able to  
perceive the confusion, the uncertainty, that I was feeling. She dropped her eyes, concentrating on the doodle she was tracing on my skin.

"I was afraid…" she said slowly, "because, for, well, obvious reason, I can't stay with you." I was left – well, not breathless because I did not truly breath – but definitely stunned. She _did _still wanted to stay with me. This was beyond belief!

"And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." She continued.

I was torn. She wanted me to stay with her. Even after all this, she wanted to be with me. But…as much as that fact elated me, no matter how much I wanted her to, she _shouldn't_ want to stay. She _should _run away. I had to make her see, even though it would destroy me to lose her.

"Yes." I agreed, hiding my pain. I owed this to her. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest." She didn't like that.

"I should have left long ago. I should leave now, but I don't know if I can." I sighed. Just the thought of leaving her filled me with  
desperation. No, I didn't think I could make myself do that. I couldn't leave her. But maybe I could convince her that _she_ should leave _me_. Pain twisted at the mere thought.

"I don't want you to leave." She mumbled, looking down.

"Which is exactly why I _should_." I insisted. I _should _leave. It was the right thing, the _moral_ thing, to do. But I knew that I wouldn't. That I couldn't. "But don't worry, I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should." I confessed.

"I'm glad." She seemed relieved. Pleased that I wanted to be with her.

But she shouldn't be glad. She should be terrified. She refused to realize that. Because I loved her, I had to _make_ her understand how  
impossible this was. Even if it meant I would never see her again. My life would be empty and meaningless without her, but I had to try. It was the only way to keep her safe.

"Don't be." I pulled my hand away. "It's not only your company I crave! _Never _forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I stared blindly into the forest, knowing that when she finally left, only unending misery would remain.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean – by that last part anyway." She said.

I smiled painfully. Of course she didn't.

"How do I explain…" I wondered. "And without frightening you again….hmmm." Without conscious thought I placed my hand back in hers. I wanted her to touch me again. I wanted to feel her gentle warmth, her soft skin. It comforted me. I looked down as she  
clasped my hands tightly between hers.

"That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth" I told her with another sigh. It took me a moment to assemble my thoughts. Her touch  
distracted me.

"You know how everybody enjoys different flavors? Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?" I smiled sourly as  
she nodded.

"Sorry, about the food analogy – I couldn't think of another way to explain." I confessed.

She smiled at that, and I felt myself smiling ruefully in response. I tried again.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac – and filled the room with its warm aroma – how do you think he would fare then?"

For a long moment I looked into her eyes, and she into mine. Trying understand. To see the thoughts that lay there.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison" I finally said. "Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're trying to say is, I am your brand of heroin?" she said lightly, teasing me.

I was grateful for the joke, and smiled quickly in appreciation. "You are _exactly _my brand of heroin." I agreed, still smiling.

"Does that happen often?" She asked, curious. I looked away, uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. For a moment I considered what to say, how to be honest.

"I spoke to my brothers about it," I finally said, staring out into the forest again. "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's  
the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." I glanced down at her expression.

"Sorry." I said, feeling abashed.

She looked up, her face sympathetic. "I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending or frightening me, or whichever. That's the  
way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."

I took a deep breath and looked away again. "So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as…" I had to pause, to consider how to phrase this, "…_appealing_ as are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak,  
and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."

"And for you?"

I looked at her steadily. "Never."

We sat in silence for a moment as she thought about that.

"What did Emmett do?" She finally asked.

I couldn't answer. I knew she'd see it for herself, given time. I waited for her to understand, my fist clenching between her hands.

"I guess I know." She said quietly.

I couldn't bear to look at her, to see the horror as she in her eyes as she final grasped what we truly were. She had known intellectually, of course. But now she knew _exactly_ what that meant. Though we tried our best, at the core, we were still nothing more than killers.

"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?" I asked, wistfully. Pleading, begging for her to understand.

"What are you asking? My permission?" Her voice was clipped, harsh.

"I mean, is there no hope then?" she continued more gently, regarding me quietly with sad, soft eyes.

"No, no!" I was aghast that she thought that. "Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I stopped, unable to complete the thought. I stared into her eyes. Her warm, milk chocolate eyes. How to make her understand that I would never forgive myself if she came to harm because of me…. "It's different for us. Emmett…these were strangers he happened across." _His_ victim had not been the  
center of his world. Had not been his very life…

"It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as…practiced, as careful, as he is now."

"So if we had met…oh, in a dark alley or something…" she trailed off.

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and…" I had to look away, thinking of that day.  
"When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself." I frowned into the encircling forest, feeling grim. I knew she remembered. "You must have thought I was possessed."

"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…"

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin…" it still sent a flash burn down my throat. But I welcomed the pain, knowing how close I had been to quenching that flame forever. "I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone, and I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to  
get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…"

She made no comment, so I glanced down to read her reaction. She looked shocked. I watched her intently, fascinated yet again  
by the emotions passing over her face.

"You would have come." I promised bleakly.

She regarded me calmly. "Without a doubt." She allowed.

I didn't like that. She was too composed, too...serene. It was unnatural. I frowned down at her hands, still tightly clasped around my own. "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there – in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there – so easily dealt with."

I felt her shudder as she remembered that day, that moment when our eyes had met, that moment when Shelly Cope had come so very near to being the late Shelly Cope. I felt like shuddering myself.

"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home – I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong – and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was  
leaving." And he had been so good to me, so understanding and compassionate. I knew he would miss me, but he hadn't hesitated.  
"I traded cars with him – he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary." A good thing she hadn't gotten a chance to try. She was very persuasive when it came to keeping her family together.

"By the next morning I was in Alaska." I was still embarrassed by that. I had been so desperate to get away from her I'd been forced to flee my home. "I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances…but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest  
of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe that you were so irresistible. I convinced myself that it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl –" I had to grin at that. Insignificant? Had I been blind?! She was the very reason the universe existed at all…insignificant indeed! – "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…" I paused, considering the implications of that one small choice.

"I took precautions. Hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human."

"I was arrogant about it." I confessed.

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying o have to stoop to it. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." In fact, it still bothered me. I found myself frowning just thinking about it.

"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions...and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand of your hair, and the scent would stun me again." Ruefully I remembered how my lips had curved up, not because I told them to, not because I was playing human, but simply because she had smiled first.

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment – because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, "Not her'…" I had to close my eyes as I relived the panic I had felt at that moment. The desperate fear that I had been too late, too slow. The sound of her head cracking down against the ice. The dread when I thought that I may have hurt her myself. Even sharper than that horror was the memory of her warm body pressed against mine.

When she finally spoke, her voice was faint, "In the hospital?"

My eyes flicked open and flashed up to hers. "I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power – you of all people. As if I needed another reason to kill you." We both flinched at the word. "But it had the opposite effect" I said  
quickly. "I fought with Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time… the worst fight that we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." I scowled thinking of Alice. There was no way that I would allow her vision to play out. Bella, her soft skin cold and white, her beautiful expressive eyes glowing red. Never. I would not permit that to happen.

"All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your hair…it hit me as hard as the very first day." The love I felt for her smote me again as I met her wondering eyes. For a moment I drown in them.

"And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here – with no witnesses and nothing to  
stop me – were I to hurt you." I finished quietly.

"Why?" she questioned, confused. After all that had happened today I shouldn't have been so surprised that she still didn't understand that I loved her. Adored her. Wanted her to choose _me_.

Greatly daring, I reached up and playfully ruffled her shining hair. "Isabella," I used her proper name so I would be sure she would take me seriously, "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." Shame again filled me thinking about how badly I had behaved such a short time ago. "The thought of you, still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses…it would be unendurable." Agony shot through me, Alice's vision again flashing through my mind.

"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." This was the simple truth. She had changed me forever. Even if I could force myself to do the right thing, the moral thing, and leave her….she would _still _be the center of my universe.  
I stopped breathing, watching her face as she thought about everything that I had just told her. What would she say? She gazed down at our intertwined hands. I tried yet again to pierce the mystery of her silent mind. Still nothing. I despaired. What was she thinking now that I had declared myself?

When she finally spoke, her voice was hesitant. "You already know how I feel, of course. I'm here…which roughly translated, means I'd rather die than stay away from you." She thought about that and frowned. "I'm an idiot…" she sighed.

Now _I_ could not speak. She had seen the very worst of me. She had seen me glowing in the sunlight. She had seen the monster  
staring from my eyes, thirsting for her blood. She had seen ME, not my human seeming, but ME – Edward Cullen, vampire…and she still wanted to stay with me. I had never known that joy could feel so close to pain, but so it was at this moment.

Elated I simply had to laugh. "You are an idiot." I agreed gaily. She looked up, shyly meeting my eyes. Her soft lips curved and suddenly we were laughing together at the absurdity of it.

"And the lion fell in love with the lamb," I murmured, amazed that this girl - this beautiful, brave, selfless girl – could find a place in her heart for a creature such as I.

"What a stupid lamb." She said ruefully.

I looked away. Yes, she was a very, very stupid lamb. And I blessed whatever fate, the hag or the careless angel, that had brought her into my life. "And what a sick, masochistic lion…" I sighed. The breeze had died away and her scent lay thick and sweet around us, sending flames blasting down my throat.

"Why…" she began, then stopped…seeming unsure how to ask her question.

I smiled in encouragement. What would she want to know now? She knew everything. What more was there to ask?

"Tell me why you ran from me."

My smile faded. Why did she ask _that_? She had seen the monster. I had made my confession - that I found her blood nearly irresistible. I thought it had been clear. "You know why." I said steadily.

"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do." She caressed my hand gently, "This, for example, seems to be all right."

I smiled tenderly. She was so ready to take responsibility. But she had been entirely blameless in everything that had happened  
today. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault." I assured her.

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you." Her fearlessness and generosity never ceased to astonished me. I ached to think how frightened she must have been when I had lost control, and she wanted to make this easier for me? She constantly confounded my expectations.

"Well…" I considered what it was, precisely, that had incited the monster. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness…I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your _throat_…" Venom again flooded my mouth as fire ripped a line of pain down my throat…I swallowed quickly, exerting control. My eyes flashed up to see if she had noticed, if I had upset her. I was relieved that she hadn't seen. It might have frightened her again.

"Okay, then…no throat exposure." She said impudently, lowering her chin and tucking her throat.

I had to laugh at her teasing. She was just so amazing. "No, really. It was more surprise than anything else." I couldn't help myself.  
I wanted to touch her. I _needed_ to touch her, to stroke the warm silk of her skin. I lifted my hand and gently laid it against  
the side of her throat, feeling the pulse of blood racing though her veins as her heart lurched in response. She held very still. Was she still frightened of me, afraid that any move might break my control and set me off? I hastened to assure her that this was not so.

"You see, perfectly fine" I whispered. I listened as her heart continued to speed. Watched as blood suffused her face, making it seem as though she too was glowing in the sun. "The blush on your cheeks is lovely" I said. Keeping the one hand pressed against her neck, I freed the other and brushed my fingers softly…always softly…over her cheekbones. I held her carefully, delicate bones like glass under warm silk. Fragile. Breakable. My cold hands shaped themselves around the curves of her face, skin tingling with the contact. It wasn't enough. I wanted – I desperately desired – more than this.

"Be very still" I watched her eyes, ready to pull away if she seemed the least bit frightened. But her gaze remained steady and calm – though her heart was anything but! – so I leaned closer and pressed my cheek against the hollow at the base of her throat. Ahhhhh….the smell of her skin torched my throat. I almost gasped at the pain of it. Gradually the burn subside to a manageable ache. After a time I  
barely felt it as I tenderly rested there, captivated by the warmth, the sound of her heart and the soft whisper of her breath. I slowly stroked my fingers down her face, the sides of her neck, marveling at the silky smoothness of her skin…I felt her tremble under my gentle touch. That delicate shiver nearly undid me. I could not understand the yearning, the tightening in my belly, the unfocused _need _that caught at my breath….all these feelings swept through me as I slid my hands down, resting them on her shoulders. Gently I moved my face lower, my nose skimming the graceful lines of her collarbone until I came to rest, face nestled against her chest, listening to  
sound of her racing heart. There I stopped, mesmerized. Until at last the frenzied rhythm subsided to a calmer, even beat. My eyes closed and I lay content on the silken bower of her skin. I rested there for an endless moment, happy beyond anything I had ever conceived. Finally I sighed, and raised my head. I felt…calm. At peace. Not even troubled by the smoldering fire in my throat.

"It won't be so hard again" I said with satisfaction. I had proved to myself that I could resist. I was stronger than the lure of her  
blood. That was what had made it so difficult for me before. The fear that the monster was stronger than I. But now I was sure.

"Was that very hard for you?" She asked, ever curious.

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be." In fact, once the first shock of burn had passed, the feel of her skin had distracted me completely. "And you?" Had it been difficult for _her _having my cold vampire skin pressed so tightly against her living warmth?

"No, it wasn't difficult…for me." She replied.

I smiled at the way she implied that she, too, had been struggling to control her own soulless demons. I almost laughed at the absurdity of it.

"You know what I mean." I chided her.

She just smiled.

"Here," I lifted her hand and placed it against the cheek that had so recently rested against her heart. "Do you feel how warm it is?"

Her eyes widened and she whispered "Don't move." Instantly I froze. I waited, completely still. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, her hand caressed my cheek. My eyes closed and my skin tingled behind every gentle stroke of her fingers. She traced the curve of my cheek, the sweep of my closed lids, every contour of my face. I had thought that nothing could surpass the feel of her hands cradling mine. This  
was so much more than that. I couldn't imagine any pleasure greater than this…until one soft finger delicately swept across my lips. In that instant every nerve in my body seemed to explode It was impossible to remain completely motionless, and one, single gasp escaped as my lips parted under her touch. I wanted this. I wanted HER. I wanted her more than I had wanted anything, ever. I hungered for this more than I had _ever_ hungered for her blood.

Abruptly she pulled away, and my eyes snapped open. I struggled for a moment, desperately reminding myself how very breakable she was, how careful I must be. I do not know what she saw in my face, but suddenly her heart was racing.

"I wish…I wish you could feel the…complexity…the confusion…I feel. That you could understand." I whispered.

"Tell me," she begged, just as quietly.

"I don't think I can." How could I explain to her what I couldn't even explain to myself? I had never felt these things before. I had never even thought to feel these things. It had been beyond my imagining.

I've read a thousand books, ten thousand, and I thought I knew them well. But they had only been stories with no relevance for one such as I. They told of human things. Human desires. Only now could I see why the foolish characters had made the choices they made. Now I _understood_…

"I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger – the thirst – that, deplorable creature than I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely." I smiled a little at that.

"But…" I hesitated. How could I explain this…need…I felt for her? My hand lifted, and I allowed myself one brief stroke across the silky skin of her lips. She trembled delicately under my icy touch. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are  
foreign to me."

"I may understand _that _better than you think," She confessed shyly.

"I'm not used to feeling so human." I confessed. "Is it always like this?"

"For me?" she paused. "No. Never. Never before this."

I reached down and took her hands again, clasping them gently in mine. "I don't know how to be close to you." I admitted. "I don't know if I can." Not without breaking her, anyway. When I touched her, when she touched me, it was so difficult to keep in mind how fragile she was. One mistake, one second of inattention, and I could kill her.

She looked up at me, her eyes warning me, and carefully leaned forward until her head rested against my cold, silent chest. "This is enough" she sighed, sounding content. Maybe it was enough for her, but not for me. Carefully I curved my arms around her shoulders, snuggling her closer. My eyes closed and I laid my cheek against her silken hair.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she murmured after a moment.

I was amused. "I have human instincts – they may be buried deep, but they're there."

I could have stayed like that forever, holding her in my arms there in the warm sunshine. I did not want to move, and she seemed satisfied to rest in my embrace. In all the decades of my existence I had never been so happy. This was as close to heaven as I was ever likely to get. I barely even felt the white-hot burn of the thirst in my throat. Time ceased to have any meaning as we lingered in that  
endless moment. I felt her sigh. Time had not stopped after all. It was getting late. I needed to get her home. After all that had happened today, I was not sure I could bear to let her go. I sighed, too, finally. Charlie would be waiting.

"You have to go." I whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

"I thought you couldn't read my mind." She sounded surprised.

"It's getting clearer." I admitted, smiling to myself. Her mind was still silent as ever, maddeningly so, but I was getting better at reading her moods. I could make better guesses at her thoughts now that I had some idea of how her mind worked, what was important to her. I was better able to predict how she was likely to react. Well, sometimes anyway, I thought wryly. She constantly surprised me. I wondered how she would react to…

I unwrapped my arms and looked down at her face, suddenly eager to share with her one of the _good_ things about being a vampire.

"Can I show you something?" I asked, filled with excitement at the very thought…wondering if she'd find it as thrilling as did I.

"Show me what?"

"I'll show you how _I_ travel in the forest," I offered. It amused me to see the curiosity change to wariness. What did she expect I meant? I almost laughed out loud as I watched the thoughts race across her face.

"Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I grinned as I watched her consider this. Her heart skipped a few beats before settling back into rhythm. On the one hand, she obviously wasn't looking forward to the hike back to the highway, on the other she wasn't sure exactly what I was offering.

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked suspiciously.

I burst into laughter at her absurd question. "Like I haven't heard that one before!" I scoffed.

"Right. I'm sure you get that one all the time." she replied sarcastically.

"Come on, little coward." I coaxed. "Climb onto my back."

She hesitated, still not sure what to do. I smiled and took hold of her hand, pulling her toward me. That one small touch sent her pulse racing again and I was momentarily distracted. But time was passing and I needed to get her home. Effortlessly I lifted her and swung her up on my back. Had my own heart still beat it would have definitely been racing too when she wrapped her legs around my waist and clasped her arms tightly around my neck. I took a brief second to settle myself as I felt her body pressing so snugly against my own.

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack." She warned.

I snorted at that, "HA!" She had seen me lift a full sized van with one hand and she was worried that I might find her too heavy? She was light as a feather. Even if I had not been a hundred times stronger than the average human, she would have been no burden. My breathing was a little ragged, my body a little too excited in her embrace. Abruptly I loosened one of her arms and lifted her hand to my cheek, my nose skimming the skin of her wrist. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath…testing my level of control. Thirst ripped down my throat, fierce but tolerable. More tolerable, in fact, than I would have ever believed possible.

"Easier all the time," I whispered, lowering her hand back into place around my neck. I could do this. I could be with her. I was about to explode. I could bear no more. I burst into motion.

All the uncertainty of the day, all the fear, the pain, the unexpected joy, the physical desires….these I channeled into my running. I fairly _flew_ through the forest. Even in my exuberance, I was vividly aware of Bella's soft body clinging to mine.

It had taken most of the morning to get to the meadow at Bella's hiking pace. It only took a few moments to return at mine. In those few moments, as I weaved between the trees, through the ferns and moss, I considered all the possibilities that lay before me. What I wanted to do now, more than anything else. Bella's truck came into view and I slowed, considering the wisdom of my idea.

I came to a stop. "Exhilarating, isn't it?" I exclaimed, bubbling with energy and enthusiasm. I waited for her to answer, to slide from my back. She said absolutely nothing, still holding herself tightly against me. I felt a pang of fear. Had I hurt her? How? It had never even occurred to me that a simple run through the forest might harm her.

"Bella?" I was anxious now. What was wrong with her?

"I think I need to lie down," she finally gasped.

"Oh." I knew she was an easy fainter so it shouldn't surprise me that she might also suffer motion sickness. "Sorry," I apologized, chagrined. I waited patiently for her to collect herself. It shouldn't take long, she wouldn't want to look weak.

"I think I need help." She finally conceded.

I could tell how much she hated to admit that. I laughed quietly. Gently I loosened her grip from my neck and pulled her around so I could cradle her in my arms. I held her close for a moment before lowering her carefully onto the ground.

"How do you feel" I asked, concerned now. She was so pale!

"Dizzy, I think"

"Put your head between your knees." I suggested. That usually helped. I sat down beside her, trying to decide if it really was just dizziness or if the speed of my run had injured her in some way. I was not used to worrying about human weaknesses. I had been careless. If this was going to work, I needed to be more mindful. Finally she raised her head, though she did keep her eyes closed. I was relieved that she seemed to be recovering.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea." I sighed.

"No, it was very interesting." She protested. I was amused despite my lingering dismay. Only Bella would describe a nausea-inducing race through the forest as 'interesting'. It made me smile.

"Hah! You're white as a ghost – no, you're as white as me!" I couldn't resist teasing her now.

"I think I should have closed my eyes." My lips twitched, trying not to laugh. She was definitely feeling better. And I was feeling…well, wonderful.

"Remember that next time," I scolded, trying – and failing – to sound severe.

"Next time?!" she groaned at the thought.

This time I did laugh. I couldn't help it. As she had improved, so had my spirits. I couldn't take my eyes away from her. Her color was so much better, its usual roses and cream instead of chalky white. And her lips…her soft, beautiful lips…were once again a delicate pink. I stared at those lips, considering the idea that had occurred to me as I ran. I thought for a moment…wondered….maybe I could. I would try, I decided.

"Open your eyes, Bella" I whispered. I was only inches away as her lids slowly lifted. For a moment we just stared into each other's eyes. I was captivated. I could not look away. And she…_she_ had that slightly stunned look that I was coming to associate with her being – as she put it – dazzled. I felt a little smug about that. I still didn't understand it, but I was certainly delighted she felt that way.

"I was thinking, while I was running…" I paused, wondering if I should really do this. But who knew what would happen tomorrow? Who knew if this moment - this perfect instant - would ever present itself again?

"About not hitting trees, I hope" she exclaimed.

I laughed. "Silly Bella! Running is second nature to me. It's not something I have to think about."

"Show-off" she muttered under her breath. I would have laughed again, but she was distracting me from what I wanted to do.

"No, I was thinking there was something that I wanted to try." Slowly I reached up and cradled her face between my hands, watching her intently. I listened to the ragged lurch of her heart as I leaned closer. I was cautious, carefully measuring the burn in my throat, the instinct to feed, against my love for her and my resolve to keep her safe. Yes, I decided, I could do this. I had wanted to do this from the very first moment she captured my heart. I would be strong. Just one soft kiss. Just one…

Finally, the gentlest of gentle pressures. The cold marble of my lips pressed against the soft silk of hers. Pain race down my throat, but I was ready for that and it left me unfazed.

What I was not expecting was Bella's response. My throat was filled with flame, but that was nothing, _nothing,_ compared to the blazing heat of her lips. She gasped softly as her arms clasped themselves around my neck, her hands tangled into my hair and she pressed her body closer to mine, far closer than I would have ever dared. I felt each line, every curve and contour mould itself to mine. For a fraction of a second I couldn't remember how to breathe. I couldn't think. I was overwhelmed by sensation. The heat, the pounding of her heart, her breath in my mouth…I fought for control as a tidal wave of need rose up to drown me. As gently as I could I moved her away until her lips no longer touched mine. That was all I had the strength to do. Sheer determination held me motionless as she slowly opened her eyes and looked into mine.

"Oops" she breathed, abashed and apologetic.

"That's an understatement." I growled. My body was stiff, muscles clenched, balanced between the desire to crush her throat and an equally strong desire to crush her body against mine.

She stared into my eyes, hers soft and repentant. "Should I…" she began, trying pull away. I couldn't allow that, not yet. Even moving that much, just enough to let her go, might be too much.

"No, it's tolerable." I said. And it was. I could tolerate the pain, the conflicting desires, I simply could not master them yet. "Give me a moment, please." I kept my voice even. I concentrated on her eyes, her face. It didn't take as long as I had expected. I could feel my muscles loosening as the wildness settled, drained away. Finally I was able to take a deep breath and give her a triumphant grin.

"There." I said with satisfaction. It had been a struggle, but I held my own. And difficult as it was, there had been no moment of indecision. The monster had never really had a chance. I could do this. I _had_ done this.

"Tolerable?" she asked, her eyes concerned.

I laughed, thrilled at how well I had managed. "I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."

"I wish I could say the same." She apologized. "I'm sorry."

I wasn't. I was delighted. I really _was_ stronger than I'd thought. But as relieved as I was by that success, I was even more pleased that Bella had responded so very enthusiastically. "You are only human, after all…" I said smugly.

"Thanks so much" she said acidly. She was so funny. I grinned and jumped to my feet. I still needed to get her home, after all. I held out my hand to help her to her feet. She looked surprised. Was she so unused to being treated with courtesy? She'd just have to get used to that. Despite my most recent behavior, I considered myself a gentleman, and I would treat her as a lady. When she took my hand, an electric thrill ran up my arm and jolted through my cold, dead heart. Even that small touch made the world seem brighter, colors more vivid. It was quite extraordinary, the effect Bella had on me. I was a bit worried though. She was still a little wobbly

"Are you still faint from the run?" I asked. Then another thought occurred to me…"Or was it my kissing expertise?" I joked, laughing aloud. Surely not, but I was hopeful. Perhaps I was better at this than I thought…

She stood for a moment, finding her balance. "I can't be sure, I'm still woozy." She confessed. "Maybe a little of both, though." She swayed a slightly as she spoke, and I felt a pang of concern.

"Maybe you should let me drive." I suggested.

"Are you insane?" She exclaimed, sounding outraged. I hadn't meant to offend her, but her eyes still seemed a little unfocused and I really didn't think she should be driving until she was completely recovered.

"I can drive better than you on your best day. " I said lightly, hoping to coax her into being sensible. "You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it." She retorted, not at all mollified by my attempt at humor.

I sighed. "Some trust, please, Bella." I would be careful with her decrepit old truck. I knew she loved it and I would treat it gently, even if the pace of its ancient engine drove me insane.

She eyed me and pursed her lips…her soft, delicate pink lips. I was diverted for a moment, thinking about how warm they had been in that one brief instant...then she smiled and shook her head decisively.

"Nope. Not a chance."

I couldn't believe it. She could barely stand upright and she thought she was able to drive?! She staggered a little as she began to step around me toward the driver's side of the truck. My arm shot out to steady her. I heard her heart stutter a beat as I pulled her to a stop. Reacting to the feel of my arm wrapping protectively around her waist, I guessed. I liked that. I liked it very, very much.

"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight." I don't think she even noticed when she leaned closer, breathing in the scent of my skin. I suppressed a smile. My vampiric snares might at last prove useful instead of deadly. "Besides friends don't let friends drive drunk." I laughed softly at the cliché.

"Drunk?" She objected, pulling back.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I said mischievously, unable to resist teasing her again.

She sighed. "I can't argue with that." She agreed. I intoxicated her. And dazzled her. My silent heart soared.

Without another word, she lifted her hand high and dropped the key. My hand darted out and caught it before it fell more than a few inches. "Take it easy – my truck is a senior citizen" she warned.

"Very sensible." I said agreeably. I was pleased that she trusted me to keep her – and her precious old truck – safe.

She didn't seem to like my tone. "And are you not affected at all by _my_ presence?" she demanded.

I couldn't say a word. Not one. For the rest of my existence I would know the feel of her lips, the scent of her skin, the sound of her voice, the rhythm of her heart. She would be in every breath I took, every thought I had. Immortality had cost me my soul, but now _she_ was my soul. She was the very center of the whole world. I was overwhelmed with this truth.

I truly had no words, so I leaned down and pressed my lips softly to her cheek, slowly tracing the curve of her jaw to her chin and then back again. Marble to the softest of silk. I was more than merely affected by her presence, I was irrevocably changed.

"Regardless." I finally whispered, "I have better reflexes."


End file.
